How to Host a Family Conversation About Money

Money plays a role in so many of the decisions we make, yet it remains one of the last true taboos in American life.

Despite its importance, most people (62%) say they don’t talk about money at all, not with family, not with friends and, in nearly half of cases, not even with their spouse or partner. In fact, most Americans feel more comfortable discussing politics, religion or even the details of their love lives than their bank accounts.

The reluctance is understandable. Money is tied closely to identity and emotion. Conversations about it can stir up fear of judgment, embarrassment, resentment or even shame around decisions about spending, saving, debt and wealth. But avoiding these conversations carries a cost of its own.

Silence can create uncertainty, lead to misunderstandings and make already difficult financial decisions even harder when a family eventually has to confront them. That's especially true within families. Understanding one another's expectations, responsibilities and values can lead to better planning and stronger relationships. And importantly, a family conversation about money doesn't require sharing every account balance or opening up your financial life for inspection. It simply means making sure the people you love know what they may someday need to know.

Here are nine unique ideas to connect on what matters most.

How to Have Productive Money Conversations

Knowing what to discuss is one thing. Actually sitting down and talking about it can be another.

Money conversations can be uncomfortable and, sometimes, downright emotional. A little structure can make them considerably easier.

Give everyone a reason to come 

Don't make the family meeting the event; make it a small part of an event people actually want to attend.

Avoid holidays and major family events when emotions may already be running high. Instead, choose a dedicated time when everyone can have a calm, uninterrupted conversation and let family members know what you'd like to discuss beforehand so nobody feels ambushed.

Better yet, give everyone another reason to come.

For many of our clients, especially when adult children live elsewhere, “we need to have a family financial meeting” sounds ominous. “We’d like to get everyone together for a weekend” sounds completely different. A family financial meeting doesn't have to feel like a board meeting. Plan a weekend at the lake, a hike followed by lunch, a family dinner or even a vacation together, then carve out an hour or two for the conversation. If adult children live in different cities, turning the meeting into part of a larger family gathering can make the trip feel worthwhile and the conversation itself less intimidating.

After all, the money isn't really the point. The time together, the people you care about and what you hope to make possible for them are. The financial conversation is simply one way to help protect those things.

Set an agenda

Be clear about what you're hoping to accomplish.

Are you helping your children understand your estate plan? Talking with your parents about long-term care? Clarifying who will take responsibility if something happens?

A short agenda, even an informal one, can keep the conversation focused and prevent one financial topic from turning into every financial topic. Let family members know what you'd like to discuss beforehand so nobody feels ambushed and everyone has an opportunity to prepare.

Acknowledge emotions

Money is emotional. Pretending otherwise rarely makes the conversation easier.

Give family members room to ask questions and share their perspectives. Listen before responding, and resist the impulse to judge past decisions or settle old disagreements.

The goal doesn't have to be for everyone to agree. Often, understanding one another is enough.

Turn conversation into action

Before wrapping up, make sure everyone understands what happens next.

Sometimes the goal is simply transparency, and nothing more needs to be done. Other conversations may reveal practical next steps: updating an estate plan, organizing documents, reviewing insurance, changing an account beneficiary or scheduling another family discussion.

A productive family meeting doesn't need to solve everything. It just needs to leave everyone a little better prepared than they were before it began.

How to Discuss Finances with Adult Children

For parents with adult children, bringing them into parts of your financial plan can give them the information and tools they may someday need to help you, while also making it more likely that your estate and legacy wishes are carried out as intended.

With adult chidren, consider discussing:

Your financial plan

Share how you envision retirement and any significant changes you expect along the way. Do you plan to downsize or relocate? Travel extensively? Spend more time near children or grandchildren?

These decisions can affect the rest of the family, too. Talking about them early gives everyone an opportunity to understand one another's expectations and avoid assumptions that may not match reality.

Your estate plan

Your children don't necessarily need a detailed inventory of everything you own, but they should understand the broad outlines of your estate plan and anything that may directly affect them.

That might include who will serve as executor or trustee, how property or meaningful personal belongings will be handled and whether you intend to leave assets equally or differently among family members.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about how much you need to share. If specific dollar amounts feel too personal, percentages, rough ranges or simply an explanation of your intentions may be enough.

The objective isn't disclosure for disclosure's sake. It's reducing unnecessary surprises later.

Your goals and values

Wealth planning isn't just about assets. It's also about purpose.

Explain what's important to you and what you hope your money will accomplish. Perhaps you'd like to help fund your grandchildren's education, support family members during your lifetime or leave a meaningful gift to a charitable organization.

Helping your children understand the "why" behind your financial decisions gives them context that an estate document alone never can.

How to Discuss Finances with Aging Parents

For adult children, starting a financial conversation with aging parents can feel particularly daunting. Caretaking roles begin to shift, questions can feel like prying, and money may be a subject you've simply never discussed as a family.

But having these conversations while everyone is healthy and able to participate is far easier than trying to piece together a plan during a crisis.

You don't necessarily need to know how much your parents have. You do need to know enough to help if you're ever called upon.

With aging parents, consider discussing:

Long-term care plans

Have your parents thought about where they would like to live as they age? If they eventually need additional care, do they expect to remain at home, move closer to family or consider a retirement or assisted-living community?

Ask whether they have long-term care insurance or other resources earmarked for care and, perhaps most importantly, what role they expect family members to play.

Key decision-making roles

Understanding responsibilities in advance can eliminate enormous confusion when timing matters most.

Find out who holds financial and health care powers of attorney, who will serve as executor or trustee, and who is expected to step in if your parents can no longer manage their own affairs.

If that's you, make sure you know it.

Financial safety and organization

Ask how important financial and legal documents are organized and where they can be found. Is there an estate planning attorney who maintains copies of wills and trusts? Is there a secure way for the appropriate person to access important accounts or passwords if necessary?

The goal isn't for everyone in the family to have access today. It's to make sure the right people can gain access when the time comes.

We’re Here to Help 

Family conversations about money can be complex, emotional and enormously valuable. You don't have to navigate them alone.

At Open Window, we can help you decide what your family needs to know, what may be better kept private and how to communicate the parts that matter. We can also host the conversation with you, helping explain financial and estate planning decisions, answer questions and provide a neutral voice when the subject feels difficult.

Sometimes the most valuable financial planning isn't another calculation or account. It's making sure the people you care about understand the plan you've already built.

If you're ready to start that conversation, we're here to help.

Schedule a family meeting with an advisor at Open Window. 

We offer Family Meeting or Half-Day Retreat options, all of which can be scheduled online at www.openwindow.com/connection.